When an affair shakes the foundation of your marriage, it can feel like everything is falling apart. But here’s the truth: Your first “version” of your marriage may be over, but that doesn’t mean your second version—the one that’s stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling—can’t be even better. It’s not going to be easy, but with courage, transparency, and hard work, recovery is possible.
Based on Dr. John Gottman’s approach to affair and trauma recovery, couples can rebuild after an affair by following three key phases: atonement, attunement, and attachment. His method helps couples restore trust, deepen their connection, and create a stronger bond that can withstand future challenges.
After an affair, the hurt partner may experience symptoms of PTSD—like flashbacks, hypervigilance, and anxiety—while the betraying partner is weighed down by guilt and remorse. Healing takes time, but with intentional effort, couples can rebuild and strengthen their relationship. Let’s explore the 3 key phases of affair recovery and how they can help you move from the painful first version of your marriage to a second version built on trust, healing, and deeper connection.
1. Atonement: Owning the Hurt
The first step in affair recovery is atonement. This is where the betraying partner takes responsibility for their actions and acknowledges the pain they’ve caused. Atonement requires confronting the affair head-on and talking about it—trying to ignore or move on from it won’t help. You have to face the issue in order to heal the wound.
What this phase looks like:
- Betraying partner’s role: The betraying partner must show true remorse. This may include listening to the hurt partner’s feelings without getting defensive and offering full transparency by answering tough questions with honesty (for example, explaining why the affair continued).
- Hurt partner’s role: The hurt partner should avoid asking questions that could be too triggering, like intimate details of the affair, as these can add unnecessary distress.
- Key actions: The betraying partner should offer a heartfelt apology and make tangible changes to rebuild trust. This may include allowing the hurt partner to check things like emails and phone messages as evidence of ongoing fidelity. Trust isn’t rebuilt through words alone—actions matter just as much.
2. Attunement: Rebuilding Connection
Once the affair has been addressed, the next phase is attunement—getting back in sync with each other. Both partners need to understand what wasn’t working in the first “version” of their marriage so they can create a stronger, healthier second version. This is where you both work together to understand each other’s needs and find ways to meet them in a way that strengthens your bond.
What this phase looks like:
- Expressing needs: Both partners need to openly express their needs and desires. This may include identifying what was missing in the relationship that led to disconnection and discussing how those needs can be met in a healthy way moving forward.
- Conflict management: Learning to manage conflict in a healthier way is key. Emotional regulation and strong communication skills help both partners stay calm, even when emotions run high.
3. Attachment: Rebuilding Romance and Trust
The final phase of affair recovery is attachment—rebuilding your romantic connection and trust. After the affair, you need to work on reconnecting emotionally and romantically. It’s about making your marriage better than it was before the affair, and recommitting to each other in a way that strengthens your bond.
What this phase looks like:
- Reconnecting romantically: This may include rekindling romance and intimacy through actions like date nights, physical affection, and regular emotional check-ins. The goal is to create new, positive memories together.
- Defining consequences: It’s important to set boundaries and establish consequences for future breaches of trust. While no relationship is perfect, knowing that you’re both committed to the same values helps rebuild a stronger foundation.
Rebuilding your marriage after an affair is challenging but rewarding. By embracing the 3 phases of affair recovery—atonement, attunement, and attachment—you can create a stronger, more satisfying relationship based on transparency, trust, and deeper emotional intimacy.
Healing from an affair isn’t easy, but with the right support, it’s possible to build a fulfilling connection. Couples counselling can provide the tools and guidance needed to work through this process and rebuild trust.
Ready to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair?
Reach out to learn how couples counselling can help you rebuild your marriage and create a lasting, meaningful connection. Learn more about couples counselling here.
